People July 31, 2008

Lately, I’ve been trying to face the world with an open mind and heart.  I try to greet people I pass in the street, train, hallway at work, etc. with eye-contact, a smile, and hello.  It’s a bit tricky since I do tend toward socially insecure and bashful, but I’m doing my best to practice this as much as I can.  It’s also important to me to respond genuinely to greetings people pass me.  For instance, today: I was walking by two men sitting on a bench.  One said, “hello;” I slowed my pace, looked at both of them, smiled and gave them a friendly hello back.  In the past, my reaction would have been obligatory and nearly inaudible — or I would have pretended not to hear them altogether.  How rude! This new attitude has already introduced me to some fun, neat people (and won me free things, even!) and now I would like to introduce them to you. 

Note: Unfortunately, I’m really bad at remembering to ask people their name, so you won’t be finding out that piece of information.

#1. I was standing on the platform last Friday, waiting for the train to take me home after work.  A girl was approaching.  I heard her say hello to someone sitting on the bench, and I suddenly felt all eager and happy because I knew she would greet me too.  I prepared myself to respond with openness and warmth.  She did say hello, so I answered in kind.  She said she wanted to get her hair fixed and asked me if I had a dollar.  I gave her one, she stuck it in her bra (announcing that she was doing so, while she was at it), and hung around to chat for awhile.  She asked if she looked pregnant.  She didn’t, and I told her so.  She said, “Oh that’s good.  I am though, I am pregnant.”   I chuckled in response to this because I thought she was being ironic (Here is where I want to point out “she” is, in fact, a “he.” ).  She proceeded to tell me about her two little ones at home and inquired about a local establishment.  Our train arrived and we parted.  

She probably sounds kind of crazy, but I didn’t get a weird-o vibe from her.  My impression of her character was that she was trying to be a convincing lady; not out of trickery, or deviousness, but because that’s her identity.  It was probably nice for her to feel like she was convincing — and she was: aside from the ridiculous pregnancy bit, I do refer to her in my memory as female.  She was interesting and I’m glad I helped her out with a dollar. 

#2. On Tuesday, I stopped in at my neighborhood Starbucks on my way home from work (I LOVE their blended lemonades!).  One of the baristas recognized me, since I do go there somewhat frequently, and she greeted me with a very friendly, “Hello!  I haven’t seen you for so long.”  This led to us chatting a bit.  We talked about places we’ve lived and the weather and the Flugtag team she’s part of.  In the middle of all of it, she said, “Oh, I have a coupon for you,” and gave me a coupon for a free drink.  So nice!  She also tried to encourage me to take the last flier for the Flugtag event, saying, “that’s my last flier so I haven’t let anyone take it, but you can have it if you want.”  I left it there, promising to look the event up online.  I did, and I’m going to go watch it because it looks like a lot of fun: http://www.redbullflugtagusa.com/Portland2008  I’ll be rooting for “Team Weeners!”

#3. This happened today, and it is the second part to the brief detail of the hello from the man on the bench.  As always, I was on my way home from work.  I hopped off the train downtown to pop into Rite-Aid.  I passed the men on the bench, did my shopping, then walked back to the train.  On my way back, I passed the man who had said hello.  We stopped and chatted a bit (we actually did exchange names, but I’m not going to reveal his).  He was potentially weird at first, but not creepy and he told me he thought I was cool; in the end, I thought he was pretty cool too.  We chatted about work and creative endeavors; he gave me the poster he was carrying — for the Oregon Ballet Theatre 2008/2009 season; he does design work for them. 

Anyway, it was randon and neat and, perhaps, a sign that I should go see some ballet, especially (you will see when I add this little tidbit) since I met the prima ballerina for the Oregon Ballet Theatre on Friday at the reception for my work’s retiring CEO.  That’s a lot of ballet-ness hovering around me; I simply must go, right?

Anyway, it has been a joy to interact with strangers.  Plus, this simple change in attitude takes much of the stress out of my commute.  I have an eagerness to come into contact with people, rather than an aversion.  And that is a good thing.

Eagle Magnet July 28, 2008

Last year (almost exactly), I received a little thank you token after completion of a project at work.  It was an eagle.  I remember opening it and thinking, “Hmm.  Why do people gift knick knacks?” 

A few hours later, I figured out that it was a magnet.  The magnetic genre of knick knack, now I can get down with that, so I kept the thing.  The body of the eagle severs in the middle into two magnetic halves; it’s pretty silly.

While it photographs well, in reality it is not a very attractive magnet.  It sticks out too far and it’s just weird to have two severed halves of an animal sticking out from my fridge.  For the past year, it has been clinging to the top of said appliance, out of sight, hoping to be of use someday.

On Saturday morning, I saw Stepbrothers.  It’s pretty funny.  I recommend waiting to rent it and eat lots of snacks throughout the viewing (just ’cause snacks are cool).  At the very beginning of the movie, Will Ferrell’s character sprinkles a whole bunch of shredded cheese on top of a plate full of corn chips, microwaves it, then gets to eating — in front of the TV, of course.  It totally made me want to eat that very same thing! It stayed on my mind all day until I finally went to the store and purchased the fixings.  Yum.

The chips I selected come in a big brown paper bag, which proved somewhat difficult to close up tightly after opening.  I was concerned they would get stale.  I do not own a “chip clip.”  I hunted around a bit for a paperclip, my stapler, no luck.  What to do, what to do … Then I remembered my eagle.  He is perfect!

Play July 26, 2008

I saw a play tonight — a one-woman show called “Man to Man.” It is very good, very powerful; you can read about it (for the time being, at least) here: http://www.brownpapertickets.com/event/38312  I want to pause to say something about Brown Paper Tickets: A portion of their profits is given back to the communities they serve. When you buy tickets for one of their events, you also get to select from a short list of local charities where money from your purchase will go. I think this is an excellent community service (Ticketmaster, take note); I hope there is an event near you that you can attend through Brown Paper Tickets.

I feel like I should give a review or description of the show, but I know I can’t do it justice. It would be a great play to read, and, of course, it’s great to see, if you ever get the chance. There is a film version, starring Tilda Swinton, but good luck finding it. The performance left me with a feeling of melancholy and I promptly sought out some close friends for hugs.

These close friends and I are planning to go see The Dark Knight in IMAX tonight, or rather this morning, at 1:30am. I already saw the movie, but would love to see it again. It’s extra thrilling, because I have never seen a movie in IMAX. This is a first for me, and I cannot think of a better movie to premier this experience with. I am looking forward to it. I will be so deliriously sleepy (but happy) by the time it’s over.

In other news: I’ve finally made some head-way into Persuasion. The first few chapters were not very fun for me, but now I love it. It was very difficult for me to put down when it came time to leave for tonight’s play.  Tomorrow, it will by my delight to read all day.

Tonight July 25, 2008

Pioneer Courthouse Square’s outdoor movie series begins tonight with The Goonies. A group of my lady friends are going and I might join them. I say “might” because it comes back to that anti-social mood I’m in — I really don’t want to hang out with people. I would, however, be perfectly content to attend the movie by myself, surrounded by, and even interacting with, strangers. I’m not sure why exactly this is. All I know is that I’m doing such a good job of taking care of myself and allowing my preferences and choices to matter and reach fruition. In the past, I’ve too often allowed the preferences and choices of others to shut mine out. I recognize this as a weakness in myself, and I feel protective of these days I’m spending building it into a strength.

On Monday, I began a no TV rule. It’s so easy to go home, and default into a pattern. This was my pattern: arrive home, turn the TV on, veg, call my friends in a repeated demand for their company. Total laziness, right? If I had sat and asked myself what I wanted to do, this would not have been the picture I would have drawn. So this whole week I’ve been drawing, painting, adding lots of color. I refuse to default into anything; I want to think about what I want; I want everything to be an honest, well-considered choice. I’m pleasantly surprised by how easily I’ve settled into moments of contentment in these evenings, spent mostly alone. I don’t miss anyone, I don’t feel lonely, I don’t feel lazy or disappointed in myself; I feel balanced and aware; I feel happy.

So tonight, I do kind of want to see The Goonies, but I don’t want to see the ladies. I absolutely want to eat pizza (the olive and mushroom from Rocco’s — YUM) and get lost in Powell’s books. I want to look at magnets and browse the spirituality section. I want to smile and say hello to everyone I come across.

Backer Outer July 24, 2008

I had planned to go to an event tonight, but decided not to. The only thing I wanted to do when I got off work was to make myself as cozy and smiley as possible, and stay home. This change of plans impacts me alone, and it’s not something I do super regularly, but I still feel slightly guilty about it, as if I’m disappointing someone. I do see it as a flaw and would like to become someone who always follows through with what she says she’s going to do. At the same time, though, I very much appreciate the freedom of choice I have to change my mind as I see fit. Perhaps the improvement needs to be made in the way I view the scenario and not the scenario itself. Good thing I’m making friends with my mind.

My desire to stay home tonight made me notice that I’m tending toward “anti-social” lately. It’s odd because I’ve been interacting more freely with strangers, but I really don’t want to hang out with people. Space and solitude seem very special to me right now; I’m perfectly content to spend quality time caring for, and interacting with, only myself. And daydreaming.

For the past 2 hours, I’ve been thinking about next month’s storytelling event, imagining the adventure I will have to correspond with the theme. The theme is: Dammit! (that’s not the theme). I thought the theme was “Been there, done that,” but it turns out the theme is “What goes around, comes around.” This revelation totally ruins my idea (and this blog entry). Shoot!

Guidance July 23, 2008

At work today, I felt indecisive and restless.  I was eager to get home, but torn with a slight unease about spending a third night in a row all cooped up.  I feel like I haven’t done much in the name of my spiritual/self journey recently — I failed my labyrinth attempt, skipped the Sunday morning group meditation and didn’t go anywhere the last two nights (Taco Bell and the store do not count).  I did try to meditate on my own last night, but I got really bored and couldn’t maintain the attempt for very long.  I don’t want to be losing the momentum of this endeavor so soon — I’m trusting the intention of my uneasiness is to keep me from doing just that.  Thank you, sweet self.

I pondered what I wanted “after work” to look like this evening.  I very certainly wanted to do something to drive my journey forward.  I thought I could be sure to meditate, but I felt a tad discouraged from last night, and it’s such an easy thing for a procrastinator like me to put off, so I didn’t trust that idea to pan out.  I got an enthusiastic burst when I came up with the idea to stop at a bookstore on the way home and buy a meditation audio CD.  I could really use the guidance, plus it involved going into a bookstore — I LOVE bookstores. 

So now I’m home, the proud new owner of Pema Chodron’s “How to Meditate.” Sub-titled, by the way, “A Practical Guide to Making Friends with your Mind.” There are 5 CDs. I listened to the first one, just listened, which was pretty boring during the silence for meditation bits. The practice sounds nearly identical to that of the Shambhala Meditation Center (eyes open and everything — I whined a tiny bit when I heard this), so I feel envigorated about returning there once or twice a week as a supplement to doing it at home with Ms. Chodron. The audio is just the guidance I was looking for; it provides a lot more detail into the intention and process of meditating.

Plus, there are some nice gong sounds. I kind of want a little gong now.

Stuff July 22, 2008

A close friend of mine wants to get a tattoo — something specific that has meaning to him. He just needs to decide on the body location and then I think he’s ready. I also would like to get a tattoo, but mostly I want the experience. I often remind this friend of my eagerness to tag along when he goes to get his, so I can witness the process. I requested this with the assumption that I would never actually get one for myself. I don’t want to just slap something on for the sole reason of being able to say, “look what I did.” I plan to hold out until I’ve found something meaningful — something I’m unable to imagine NOT being saddled with forever; I secretly assume this is unlikely to happen.

This same friend recently loaned me a book that I am reading — “All About Love” by Bell Hooks. At first, I did not like it: I don’t agree with the author’s point of view; I think her observations are assumptive, cynical and overly-generalized; I’m offended by many of her statements. My friend and I concluded that perhaps it’s just not the right time for me to read this book; perhaps I’m beyond the influence of her ideas, or not open enough to them yet, or just not in the right mood. I continued to read, however, and now I’ve concluded that it is the right time for me to read this book, precisely because I want to argue with her nearly every step of the way. It’s having the effect of making me focus on defining my own observations and opinions on the subjects of love, society, class, race, gender. I think that’s a good thing; I even think that’s the ultimate intention of the author.

I’m going to read the book again once I finish, since I spent the entire first half not being a very polite listener. This will be put on hold for a little while though; first, I have to finish reading “Persuasion” by Jane Austen. Meaghan and I started a little book club. We read one book a month, taking turns in selection. What fun!

Taco July 21, 2008

I bought a taco for a homeless man tonight.  He was standing at the Taco Bell drive-thru exit, looking cold and hungry.  My mind immediately volunteered, “I’m going to buy that man a taco.”  I did.  By the time I got it, though, he had disappeared.  I drove around a bit, looking for him, with no success, so, actually … I ate a homeless man’s taco tonight.

Sauvie Island July 19, 2008

Today I went to Sauvie Island.  It’s an island, about 12 miles northeast of Portland.  There’s a lot of agriculture there; I went to pick berries.  I now have a plethora of blueberries, raspberries, blackberries and marionberries — all for just a little over $5.  What a deal!

On Wednesday, I found out about labyrinths, so I conducted a web search and found a site that listed the location of public labyrinths throughout the world.  It was searchable by country and state (very handy).  I collected a list of three Portland area labyrinths so I could visit them.  I did not read the details very carefully for the locations at the time, but I noticed one was on Sauvie Island, so I planned right then to go visit it this weekend after berry picking.

I finally read the directions last night as I planned my route for today, and boy was I amused.  Here is how my adventure unfolded:

I left the berry picking farm around noon and drove, with the following help from my (slightly inept) directions, “You will pass The Pumpkin Patch farm on your left, follow road till you come to a right turn permitted without stopping sign, that road is called Gillighan road. Turn there to the right, follow road past Reeder beach and store.”

Approaching this location, I came upon two signs.  One read, “Last chance to acquire a parking permit 1000 ft.” The second (a little farther down the road) read, “Last chance to acquire parking permit 300 ft.”  My instructions also confirmed my need for said parking permit: “By the way, you will need to pick up a parking permit at either of the two little stores on the island.”

Parking permit acquired.  “The road will eventually turn to gravel. At that point it becomes a clothing optional beach, (Collins Beach).”  This is the point last night when I burst into laughter reading about how to get to the labyrinth.  Sure enough:

“Follow the trail thru a cottonwood patch of trees 200 ft or so.”

“When it opens up vere to your left another 150 ft. to the next patch of trees on the trail. will open back up onto the beach, follow trail to the upper part of the beach a couple hundred feet, there you will find the labyrinth.”

I walked along this path for awhile, never finding the “next patch of trees.”  At this point there were a lot of bugs — lots of flies, and the biggest mosquitos I’ve ever seen were making their torpedo noises around my head; plus, there was something rustling in the underbrush.  It started to occur to me that I may not be successful in finding this labyrinth.  My final bit of instructions were no help: ”There are always people that will tell you where it is.”  There was nobody around.

I came about these two really freaky looking bugs I did not recognize (they were like colorful, winged, stick insects); they were big and multiple and blocking my path.  They kind of freaked me out, so I turned and fled (even running a little, at first).  Mosquitos were still dive-bombing me, I saw some giant black winged insect thing (not a butterfly, but as big as one), and there were weird red things flying around.  Also, the rustling noises continued.  I was pretty overwhelmed and freaked out by weird bugs, though I did my best to appear calm, while hurrying (and flapping the paper with the instructions about my head to ward things off).

So that was my adventure.  I’m not a total baby about bugs, but this place had weird ones and way too many, all of them eager for a piece of me.  In the end, I didn’t make it to the labyrinth, and I didn’t see any naked people, but I did find this awesome sign:

Standing in Good Stead July 18, 2008

Ever since I was a little girl, I have noticed that phenomenon where once you get tuned into something, you begin to see it everywhere.  Of course, as a child, this was mostly experienced in the form of simple, visual things — such as colors, types of cars, facial hair.  In being determined and active in my pursuit of spiritual and self discovery, I’ve encountered a truck-load of opportunities almost daily.

One great side note to these opportunities is that they totally fall into my resolve to do at least one new thing a month this year.  I am wasting no time on that one!  (an unrelated side note to this side note: I LOVE Vampire Weekend’s song “Oxford Comma.”  I’m listening to it now and must pause in my typing to sing along and maybe dance around a bit.)

Here are the things I’ve discovered so far: 1) Labyrinths — a tool used for deep thought and meditation.  The path of the labyrinth symbolizes the path to your center, where things become clear and the answers to your problems reside.  I plan to visit one tomorrow.  2) Meditation — I’ve already written on this a bit.  Portland has a lot of open meditation offerings, many different practices.  I’d like to keep trying them until I find one that feels perfectly suited to me.  I am returning to the Shambhala Meditation Center this Sunday for a three hour group sit.  3) Munay-Ki rites — these are emotional, spiritual healing rites from the Q’ero tribe of Peru.  My shamanic healer offers them with her husband and I am going to receive the 9 rites of initiation (that sounds “culty”, but it’s not — it’s a gentle, energy-based force of love, protection and healing so that your self can achieve perfect balance and contribute to the perfect balance of our world).  This also opens up a chance for me to meet two Q’ero shamans who will be in Portland in September.  I am in awe of this opportunity.  An invitation to the fire can be acquired for me, I am told.  4) Hawaii — I want to travel to Hawaii as a volunteer for two weeks at the Hari-Nama Retreat Centre where I will “experience an awakening of the soul.” 5) Distance healing — I found a website for a healer in England.  She offers “distance healing,” which involves her sending good vibes and healing, loving energy to those who request it for the problems they need help with.  I wrote her and asked her to send me some healing to help me to recover emotionally, learn to let go and move on.  Here is her response:

 ”I will be happy to send distant healing to you.  You have a clear idea of wanting to let go and that is admirable as not many people realise the importance of being able to do just that.  It should stand you in good stead to achieving it.  Very best wishes.”

Reading this response from her was my first contact with the outside world this morning.  It was like someone had wrapped a giant, snug blanket around me and told me I’d be okay.  Better than okay, actually. And I believed them.